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5 Real Crimes Dumber Than Anything You’ve Ever Heard

5 Real Crimes Dumber Than Anything You’ve Ever Heard
Sometimes “true crime” means taking a grim, hard-jawed look into the heart of man’s capacity for evil. Other times it means shooting a sideways glance at a bunch of bozos who needed to take a class at the Y before they could tie their own shoes. Today, we’re doing the second kind of look right at these suckers …

5: A Man Almost Got Away With Murder Because His GPS Monitor Was Attached To His Prosthetic Leg

Quincy Green was arrested for carrying an unlicensed pistol, and pending trial, he had a tracking bracelet attached to his leg. So how did a witness place him at the scene of a murder a mile away from his apartment, while that tracker claimed he’d been there the whole time? How could Green possibly fool such a secure device? Was he a skilled hacker? Was this an evil twin scenario? An evil time-traveling twin scenario? Nope, he just took off his prosthetic leg — you know, the same one some idiot attached the tracker to — and replaced it with a backup.

“We believe it was absolutely human error,” said a representative of the tracking bracelet company in question. “Also, we are staffed by people who failed out of clown college” was only implied. Both the police and the victim’s mother were baffled by the oversight. Hopefully the company instituted a “knock on the leg to see if it’s real” policy afterward.

4: A Man Took His Pet Monkey Along With Him To Steal A Car

There are a few simple rules for stealing cars: Don’t attract attention, don’t drive it into a ditch, don’t steal from anyone who looks like a Fast & Furious character, and don’t bring your goddamn pet monkey along. Cody Blake Hesson broke at least two of those rules.
Hesson stole a car, as you do, but then drove it into a ditch, as you’re not supposed to do. And when the sheriff’s office showed up to arrest him, as they do, they found that he was accompanied by a monkey. An illegally owned monkey that had been dragged into the criminal underworld against its will — or so it claimed.

The monkey was sent to a primate sanctuary, while Hesson was charged with personal possession of wildlife without a permit and a violation of rules pertaining to captive wildlife in addition to the whole grand theft auto thing. And yet the greatest crime was that of the headline writer who wrote “Florida man arrested for driving stolen car. His friend wouldn’t stop monkeying around” — an offense for which no punishment would be too harsh.


News Reporter

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